Zindagi itni badi bhi nahi jitni hum sochte he !!!!
I never knew that I will be left alone, I never knew that you will leave in between
When you were with me I never cared about you and always thought that “abhi to puri zindagi padi he” par muje kya pata tha ki tum muje aise chhod ke chali jaougi…
Jabhi tum muje bolti thi ki aap mere sath time spend nahi karte…..mere sath time spend kiya karo....to me kabhi usko seriously nahi leta tha…..muje kya pata tha ki…baad me time spend karne ke liye time to hoga par tum nahi hogi……aaj jab me pichhe mud ke dekhta hu…to sochta hu ki kash mene time spend kar liya hota to sayad muje itna aaj guilt feel nahi hota….par tum hi bolo koi kabhi aisa soch sakta he ki….kal tum muje chhod ke chali jaogi…..
Aaj tumko jake ek mahina ho gaya…par muje abhi lagta he ki waqt wahi theher gaya he…..jab tum thi to me apnne future to accha banana ke liye din bhar bhagta tha….par woh karnme present bhi thick se jee nahi paya aur future me to aab tum ho hi nahi….
Jab tum thi muje kabhi nahi pata chala ki ghar ki chhote chhote kam kaise hote he….aur tum meri har chhoti chhoti jarurat to pura kar deti thi…..jab me subah uthta tha to chai ready hoti thi aur tum rakabi me chai leke aati thi….mere kapde dhul ke press kiye hue rehte the….nasta aur dabba…ke bare me kabhi mene nahi socha….par aaj…………..jab me uthta hu to sochta hu ki me utha hi kyu…..muje uthne ki koi wajah hi nahi dikhayi deti he……
me hamesha apni hi zindagi jita raha…aur tumhe taken for granted leta raha…aur sochta tha hi…tum to rahogi hi he hamesha mere sath…..par aisa nahi hua….na to me thick se tumhe pyaar de saka aur aab jab muje realise hua to me kuch nahi kar sakta…..
Aage me kya bolu….kyunki na me bol paunga aur nahi tum kuch sun paogi…
|Posted by amitkawa on January 26, 2019 at 9:55 AM||comments (0)|
Exactly one year and one day back at this time, saddest and may be biggest decision I took, when doctor told me that your mother is no more . Can we remove the ventilator?. When I saw it , it was like mom is still breathing and I asked doctor she is still breathing. At that moment doctor told me that ventilator is pushing oxygen in dead body and hence you feel she is still breathing. She pointed me to to cardiogram machine where heart line was 180 degree.
I was the last person whom she spoke one day before when she told me that she is feeling better and had food too. I felt relaxed for the first time as when she said this. Generally whenever she used to get admitted to hospital she never used to say that she feels better, but this time she said complete opposite. Maybe she has realised that that day is last day and there is no point complaining about anything now.
And I was the first person who seen her dead. Both these experiences are unforgettable and unbelievable. Whenever I remember both these experiences tears comes in my eyes. Right now too i am holding my tears.
But thats life and it same is said in Bhagwat Geeta.
" Jo Janma he woh avashay marega(mom) aur jo marta he woh avashya fir se janam( Kaira) lega."
Thats cycle of life.
So lets not remember mom in grief rather remember her as strength , which she taught us throughout her life. We all know how much painful her life was but she never lost her strength and always taught us to fight against problems.
For me she was symbol of strength.
In loving memory ..... Mom
|Posted by amitkawa on January 26, 2019 at 9:55 AM||comments (0)|
Which is the best feeling in the world? Different people will give different answers for this but one thing I must guarantee is whoever is father of daughter they will say only one thing that best feeling in the world is to be father of daughter.
This blog is about recent experience shared by one of my friend who is father of 6 year old daughter and it immediately touched me because I am too father of 6 year old daughter.
To be very honest I used to envy him because he is very good looking, settled in Dubai, having own business but when he sad this experience my context completely changed
His daughter came to India at her grandparents house for festival and one day she fell unconscious after taking her to hospital she was diagnosed with leukaemia. To everybody surprise it was unbelievable because before this diagnosis she never had any disease not even normal fever or cold in fact she used be very energetic girl and used to participate in all sports related activities in her school and not only participate but she used to win medals also.
My friend did not had a choice but to accept this harsh reality and they started her treatment in one of the best hospital in Mumbai. As everybody aware that cancer patients has to go for treatment of chemotherapy which is consider to be most difficult therapy in medical science.
My friend did not have choice but to return and continue focus on his business as treatment itself is very expensive and also it is 2 and half year long treatment so he resumed his office in Dubai and his daughter is undergoing treatment here in Mumbai with her mother
My friend keeps coming to Mumbai to meet her daughter in hospital where she was admitted on last month when he visited Mumbai and went to hospital to see her daughter.His daughter was suffering from bed sore so she has to shifted on water filled bad secondly she stopped crying now while putting injection, every child is afraid of injection and cries but chemotherapy patients has to take at least 8 to 10 injections in a day. So how much she will cry or all her tears now disappeared and there is no fear.
Coming back to meeting with his daughter in the evening, he said both of them have experienced some strange feeling while hugging each other and that feeling was unexplainable,as he told me while crying that both of them were knowing that what will happen next, nobody knows but they felt that this could be the last hug and they may not have opportunity to hug each other next time.
I am not writing anything more here or readers will understand what I am trying to say here and even not all reader but a father of daughter is definitely understand how painful it is.
After having experienced this I understood the meaning of phrase told by Lord Krishna to Draupadi when Draupadi lost all her sons in Mahabharata war.
"Physical pain is easy to bear but looks very painful however emotional pain seems easy to bear but most difficult to bear."
|Posted by amitkawa on August 19, 2018 at 11:25 AM||comments (0)|
Amare to vaat bhi nathi Jovani !!
( I don’t even have option to wait )
Kaifi Azmi wrote very beautiful song on situation of pain in waiting:” Zara si ahat hoti he to dil yeh sochta he, kahi yeh who to nahi”
When your loved one is away for longer time and you are desperately waiting for them to meet and how you have lost your patience this songs perfectly express feeling felt by them. Whenever I listen to this songs my eyes get nums….
But more painful is that you lost your loved and now don’t have even option to wait as you know they are never going to come back. Par yeh dil he ki manta nahi…..it still hopes that someday you will hear know on your door and they will return.
I am inspired to write this blog because of my father who is going through the same phase, most of the time I am away from my home for work and my wife spent lot of time waiting for me to come back and some time she lost her patience also many duration is more and frequency is of out of home is high.
My father said above dialogue to my wife saying that at least she has option to wait but he even doesn’t have that option as my mom passed away 7 months ago.
I know , what pain he is going through but being man he even cannot express and share to anyone but sometimes feelings just comes out and same happed that day.
I just pray to go God that he gets enough strength to live without my mom. He is living but living without your loved one is like you are alive without any motives…….
|Posted by amitkawa on January 24, 2018 at 1:05 AM||comments (0)|
Death is ultimate truth of life, we all know but we dont want to die or our loved one dies. My mother died and i m still under truama. This experience taught me many things about life.
1. Life is always here now, coz tomorrow we dont know wether we would be there or no your loved one would be there.
2. My mother was dying from last one year and we all knew she would not survive more than one year but when that Ultimate moment came we all collapsed. I still not able to figure out reason behind it.
3. When there is sudden death of our loved one same trauma experience or it is more or less.
4. I also experiences that our loved one whom we are staying with gives immense grief than whom we are not staying with. Ultimate whom we are sharing our life gives more grief wether they are very closed relative or distant relative.
5. And yes apart from our own grief , we feel more hurt thinking of other person whom she used to love and person who used to love her more than us. Example in my case is my daughter and father.
6. Our bloody rational mind do all kind of calculation for spending money on our loved on and to fulfill their desire. But when they dies we spend lot of money in their rituals.
I believe God, Almighty has always different plans for us and their plans and blessings are always good for us.
|Posted by amitkawa on April 21, 2016 at 5:20 AM||comments (0)|
New TV serial on sony tv with fantastic concept. It says “chamatkar unhi ke sath hota he jinke mann me vishwas he”
Also questions why miracles not happening with us and only with few peoples why we can’t have faith in almighty like others have. Leads to very interesting question and dilemma. As far as I can think of we became so much educated and sophisticated that we try to find the logic or science behind everything and second most important thing is, I believe somewhere back in our mind we think that, that’s not possible. Hence we can’t have faith like children have or faith without any doubt, faith with pure innocence.
What is God? No one has definite answer for that, and it can’t be because once you will have definite answer for that, it will fall under our circle of logic and science and whole existence of God will be vanished.
Truth is very simple and innocent no logic or argument required to prove it.
If any argument required proving the Truth, then it can be pure truth. As Gurunank ji said “em omkar sattnam” there is one omkar and that’s the only truth. No need to find the where the omkar is and from where it has come etc.
Coming back to the programme, they showed the story of 8 years boy who used to love her sister very much. But because of family conflicts they have stay apart. But when his sister falls into the big well with big stone covered over it. He managed to lift 200 Kg of Hunuman ji ki Gada and removed the stone from the well and saved his sister. Amazing but unbelievable. How come 8 year old boy can lift the gada of 200 kg, even no human beings managed to lift that much weight till date.
Unbelievable but True, there are eye witness of this incident.
His love for his sister was so pure and innocent and same time his belief in Hunumanji was completely doubtless. I am still wondering; why I can’t develop such type of faith in anything.
|Posted by amitkawa on December 26, 2014 at 3:55 PM||comments (0)|
Pk what an outstanding movie, not a new concept though used in the earlier movie OMG but Picturisation and storytelling ability of Mr.Hirani simply amazing.
PK is asking certain simple but very logical questions in the movie,which i also tried to figure out the answer when i was in my early 20s.
Questions like , who created us? Where is God, why different individual follow different God with different paths. All holy books shown different way to worship God, all human beings follow that path blindly. Is anyone achieving or met God by following that path. The answer is NO. Then why we all follow the same path and reach nowhere.
Story introduced a new concept called WRONG NUMBER. Which means, we all dialing the wrong number to achieve God, because of our pre conceived notions. Since from birth we have been told and taught to certain rituals, we are enforced with certain beliefs and we blindly follow that wrong number and reaching no where.
In PK story , Ms Jaggu being told that, her Pakistani lover will ditch her and will leave her alone by some Pandit, and Ms Jaggu , however challange the pandit and arrange her marriage with her lover, but due to some misunderstanding he could not reach in the church and Ms Jaggu accepted that the fact that, Pakistani's are teachers.
According to me, this is not only That Pandit's mistake, somewhere back in the mind, Ms Jaggu also believed in the same thing because of her pre conceived notions and she did not even try to find out why her lover did not come to church. As the wrong number from Pandit and her belief system were so strong that. She simply accepted. On the other hand, her Pakistani lover waited entire his life to get married to Ms Jaggu.
My point here is everyone of us has, wrong number fitted in our mind. And we see persons, things and situation from that aspect only. And when we experiance persons, things and sitautions favouring to our wrong numbers our wrong numbers get more poweful. And we spend our complete life having this wrong numbers in our mind and creating anxity, sorrow and unhappiness in our lives.
As an example,
1. Mother in law- All daughters in law in India things that MIL is rude and they try to make DIL's life miserable and vice versa.
2. Employers thinks that, employees are irresponsible and needs to be monitored, else they won't work.
3. The employee thinks that, employers don't give them the freedom to work as per their wish, not making them irresponsible.
4. Normal citizens, thinks that policemen are cruel, non trustworthy and they deliberately harass suspects, So not to keep personal relations with policemen.
5. Educated thinks that, UN educated are not smart and creates problems in social gatherings.
6. Uneducated thinks that, educated are dishonest and manipulative and selfish. Better not to have good relations with them.
Above are the general belief systems existing in India. But we all have our personal Wrong numbers in our mind apart from this general wrong number. And I think these personal wrong numbers we create in our mind based on the experience we gather in our life. Which creates problems and unhappiness and obstacles to success and happiness.
Think about this , we all have our personal wrong numbers, can be called as past mental blocks ,because of which we are not getting what we want to get.
My wrong number is, I cannot make more money because I could not do it in the past. I tried many times but failed. Hence now I am not trying to make more money, doing a normal job with a fixed salary.
My wife's wrong number is, she thinks -Since she is from a small town and not smart as I am, she will not be able to speak English like I do. She will not be able to get first class in her Graduation as she did not get in her entire life time.
Another wrong number for her is , she thinks that, we have to be angry on our daughter for her wrong act, else she doesn't understand.
They are many for her and me , as of now I can think of these much only.
My point here, we all have WRONG NUMBERS in our mind and we live with that only.
Just imagine if remove all these WRONG NUMBERS from our mind, and what we can achieve.
POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS ,WE RESTRICTED IT WITH OUR WRONG NUMBERS. !!!!
|Posted by amitkawa on November 19, 2011 at 5:20 AM||comments (0)|
In the year2003, when I read this line for the first time in the novel GODFATHER Icouldn’t understand the actual meaning of this line. However over period oftime and having lived life with ups and downs I understood this line insomeway.
Every humanbeing is born here to do some specific task, roles and in that big task they dotheir daily activities. I mean, all humans have very specific things to do andthey are best in doing that. Once they start doing that they get phenomenalsuccess in their life doing that.
At thissituation, two possibilities emerges
1) Continue doing what you are doingand get more and more success, fame and achieve greatness.
2) Another kind people are take this uspositive luck of their life and they start exploring other areas,
Butaccording to me, people who evaluate and explore other areas are generally gettingfailed in new opportunities because they are not destined to do that. Andpeople who continue doing the same thing in which they are good at, they achievegreatness in their life.
Here I wouldlike to site two example of each kind of person.
Kind-1:Doing the same thing and achieve greatness
Mr.SachinTendulkar, this man only plays cricket, he never experimented his life withdoing something different example, entering into business,(Buying IPL team)etc.He is just playing cricket from last 2 decades and has almost all worldrecords in his name.
Mr.AmitabhBachhan, He is into acting field from last 4 decades and still acting, he isliving legend in the country. He has done almost all kinds of roles in his lifeand still he is acting. But he never entered into direction, production orother film related business. However it could have been much easy for him to doso, but I think he must be knowing the meaning of the line “every man has onlyone destiny” and he knows his destiny is acting.
Kind-2:Exploring different opportunities than your destiny
Mr.ShahrukhKhan,he is one of the finest actor in the country and probably the highest fanfollowing in entire globe. But he entered into the business of cricket(IPLteam) and struggling his life there to make it successful. He entered intoproduction of the film and he failed in that too.(Fir bhi dil he Hindustani,andrecent one RA.One).Films directed and produced by others get box office hit,but when he produced film for him, he gets poor response at box office.
Mr.M FHussain, One of the greatest painters of last century. His paintings areinspiration for young painters, had phenomenal success as painter, but heentered into business of making films and his film was biggest flop of the yearon the box office.
I thinkwith these examples you could have understood what I want to say in this blog.And you might find it useless but wait a minute, story doesn’t get over here.
Real cruxof the problem is not that your are exploring the different areas in your life.Real challenge is to find out your one destiny. More than 99% of the populationin the world doesn’t know what is their real one destiney.This is 99% includesme also. So now question arrives is how to find out our one destiny so that wecan achieve success and greatness in our life.
One way Ifound out is, start doing whatever you are doing to the best of your abilityand then see whether you are getting success, which you deserve and expect fromyour life. If answer comes YES then continue doing that and you will achievegreatness in your life. Else explore something else and continue doing thattill you get the answer as YES.
Pls writeyour views and comments and criticism on this blog.I will be highly happy toknow.
|Posted by amitkawa on July 14, 2011 at 6:16 AM||comments (0)|
One day twoexperience.
In the morning as usual I was going to my office,I saw crowd at my area where people were gathered and murmuring something. I quicklyunderstood that there must be death of somebody since there is hospital in myarea so this is quite common phenomenon in my area within 3-4 months. But to mysurprise this crowd was not gathered near the hospital this was gathered in thesame building where young boy about 23 years of aged died in Mumbai local trainaccident. However to be very honest this didn’t put any great impact in my heart.However I felt sad for some while but then I engrossed into my daily officeactivity.
When Ireturned from office, I had my dinner and switch on TV. There was movie goingon some television called DASVIDANIYA.I started watching movie and it becomequite intresting.This is a movie about a person about 37 years of age, who hasnot done anything great and adventures in his life was living very simplelife.suddely he found that he has cancer and he is about to die in 3 months.Leaving story part aside.
So thisperson suddenly realized that he is going to die in 3 months. so he makes alist of things to do before death. And in the movie he did all those thingswhich he always wanted to do but couldn’t do when he was living normal life.
After themovie got over suddenly morning experience came to my mind and I startedthinking that this could have be happen with me too.
When we areyoung and alive we thought that nothing is going to happen with us. We alwaysmake plan considering that we have entire life to live and we will achieve everythingwhatever we have planed eventually. Like in my case I want to get married, wantto buy I flat,wanna get setted,wanna buy bigger and luxurious car etc.etc…
But have Iever thought that If I have only 3 months to live what would be my things to dolist.
What arethe things that I really want to do in my life which I never did.
So I realizedthat there are only 2 options to live
1) Thinking that nothing is going tohappen to me
2) I will die anytime
Both hasthere own pros and cons we cannot actually choose anyone one option.
So Ithought we should consider trade off between these two options. Our things todo list must include 5 things keeping option 1 in the mind and 5 things as perthe option 2.
So whatwould be my things to do list …?
1) Want to find real purpose of life.
2) Wanna to go Egypt see pyramids.
3) Wanna buy bigger flat
4) Wanna send mom and dad for holydayin Malaysia.
5) Wanna have better paying job
6) Wanna go to OSHO ashram for atleasta month and wanna really wanna be with myself.
|Posted by amitkawa on April 19, 2010 at 7:58 AM||comments (0)|
We have only 2 options……either we can be GOOD or we can be HONEST….
It is very difficult to to choose between these two phenomenons. most of the people choose to be GOOD because that is the easy and comfortable way to move ahead in life,on the other hand people who choose to be honest are always left alone in the society and they are generally not as successful as people who choose to be GOOD.
Then what to do…should we choose to be GOOD and become successful and live the complete life in pretence or should we choose to be Honest and live life without any guilt feeling but without much materialist success…isn’t it strange???
When we are small kid,our parents teach us to be honest always but as we grow up same parents teach us to be GOOD and same cycle goes on repeating.
I was just thinking that why this opposite is true in our society? Why honest people couldn’t make equivalent success ?or why GOOD people become successful.GOOD people are acutully manuplators…they manuplate their feelings,emotions,needs and everything as per the situation and as per their needs.
Their main objective is to get their work done…no matter how much amount of lie he/she has to say for that….
|Posted by amitkawa on April 14, 2010 at 5:11 AM||comments (0)|
Lonely or Alone....what is the difference between these words....
if we look in the dictionary....it will give you almost same meaning...but i have realised that...these two words have great difference...
lonely means you are missing someone and you are sad or you are not happy....it simply means...you wanted to be somewhere else but you are not...or you wanted some1 to be with you but they are not with you...
on the other hand....Alone means...you are alone....you are not missing any1 and you are with yourself....and thats the greatest thing anyone can have.....because in this state you are not missing any1 also you are not expecting any1 ....hence you are not happy or sad....in any case...you are simply with yourself....your real being...
right from we born.,...our happiness and sadness is dependable on others...or we can say....we are dependent on others for our happiness and sadnesss.....
Why?....can't we become happy or sad without depending on others...
we can simply be ourselves without being happy or sad....why have to attach emotions....with our being....at any moment in our life either we are happy or sad...or...we are waiting for happiness if we are sad at this moment...and entire life ends in waiting....and person whom you are depending for your happiness is depending on other for his/her happiness and these cycle never ends.....
why we follow this cycle??//
to be continued.............